Showing posts with label mckenzie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mckenzie. Show all posts

Saturday, September 17, 2011

identity crisis.

I'm very certain that being a mother is the all time best thing to be....

As a mother everything is intensified tenfold. You feel happier than your happiest child and sadder than your saddest. You feel the pride of their accomplishments a hundred times more than they do and your heart aches a hundred times more than theirs does. There really is only one word to describe being a mother... AMAZING.

I found however, that with each of my babies there is a few weeks to months of adjustment after their birth. A shift in the universe. Some of the changes that occur are wonderful and some are difficult. I'm not one who is big on change and so I uncomfortably tread the waters as my family and I try to adjust. I ask on a daily basis "who am I?"  where did "mckenzie" go?  Besides motherhood, what makes me, "me"?  What makes joe and I "us"? It is easy to loose sight of these things when you are elbow deep in diapers. 

So, I sit here thinking about the wonderful changes that Genevieve and Finley have brought into my life and although some I am much more fond of then others (baby smiles vs. stretch marks) I know that each of my babies are worth it and I would gain a hundred pounds, have stretch marks from head to toe and be as boring as dirt if that is what it took to bring them into this world.  With that said, I am going to try and embrace the sacrifices I have made and remember who I am along the way. 

Today is the first day I begin on my journey to reclaim "me".  Remember who I am, what I like, what makes me happy and for a few moments each day indulge in something that brings me closer to this goal.  Because years from now I don't want to look back and think would of, could of, should of.  This is the best time of my entire life (so far) and I don't want to have any regrets.  Loosing myself, would be a huge regret.

so let me introduce myself.
my name is mckenzie hardy graham
i love my family more than anything.
i am suppose to wear glasses.
but i can't stand them.
i dislike my brown eyes.
i hate my freckles.
i love sweatpants.
i love dressing up.
when I'm thin.
i hate my body.
but i'm trying to figure this out.
i love hamburgers, homemade, greasy take out, you name it, I love it.
i love a good book.
but haven't read one since genevieve was born.
i hate mean girls.
i'm a blog-aholic.
i love to write.
i could never go sky diving.
oreos and milk are my weakness
i wish we lived in new york.
or hawaii.
or kentucky, on a ranch, with horses.
i graduated from westminster with a bachelor's in developmental psychology.
i will always regret my degree.
i want to be a nurse, a midwife, more than anything.
but don't have the confidence in myself to go for it.
i love psych classes
and hate math.
my thesis paper was sixty something pages long.
i swam at WX and cheered at Cheerz.
i love to sew.
but i'm not very good.
i love staying home.
i hate fair weather friends.
i hate boogers.
my husband is 6'8, hansom
the only boy taller than me i ever dated.
we make cute kids.
i want four or five of them.
i really wish i had a sister
but i'm blessed with wonderful people in my life.
i crave alone time.
i have the best job ever staying home with my babies.
i love fashion.
but i'm too uncomfortable with myself to wear anything but mens white tshirts.
i love scarves.
i hate muffin top.
i love pinterest.
i love to travel.
i love planning parties.
i'm really good at organizing.
in fact i get paid to do it.
i hate messes.
i love pictures.
i wish i was a better photographer of my children.
i hate store mirrors.
i hate getting ready in the morning.
in fact i rarely do it.
i love the gospel.
i love my neighborhood.
i love going to church.
i hate getting ready to go.
i dislike fighting with kids during sacrament.
i have major body issues and i hate that.
i love the country.
i love the beach.
i love the mountains
i love big cities.
i hate driving.
i love summer, fall, and spring.
i hate winter.
i love birthdays and holidays.
i really miss feeling good about myself.
i love laughing,
like really hard
and loud.
i like to be weird
but find i am less and less the older i get.
my brothers are my weirder halves.
my mom is my best friend.
but she doesn't have a lot of time.
i love gardening.
i love the piano.
but never play it anymore.
i'm the epitome of low self-esteem.
i don't want to pass this on to my daughter.
i love blue eyes.
because the favorite men in my life have them.
i want to do immunizations in africa.
i want to hike the himalayas.
i want my children to know i did the best i could.
i want my children to be happy.