identity crisis.

I'm very certain that being a mother is the all time best thing to be....

As a mother everything is intensified tenfold. You feel happier than your happiest child and sadder than your saddest. You feel the pride of their accomplishments a hundred times more than they do and your heart aches a hundred times more than theirs does. There really is only one word to describe being a mother... AMAZING.

I found however, that with each of my babies there is a few weeks to months of adjustment after their birth. A shift in the universe. Some of the changes that occur are wonderful and some are difficult. I'm not one who is big on change and so I uncomfortably tread the waters as my family and I try to adjust. I ask on a daily basis "who am I?"  where did "mckenzie" go?  Besides motherhood, what makes me, "me"?  What makes joe and I "us"? It is easy to loose sight of these things when you are elbow deep in diapers. 

So, I sit here thinking about the wonderful changes that Genevieve and Finley have brought into my life and although some I am much more fond of then others (baby smiles vs. stretch marks) I know that each of my babies are worth it and I would gain a hundred pounds, have stretch marks from head to toe and be as boring as dirt if that is what it took to bring them into this world.  With that said, I am going to try and embrace the sacrifices I have made and remember who I am along the way. 

Today is the first day I begin on my journey to reclaim "me".  Remember who I am, what I like, what makes me happy and for a few moments each day indulge in something that brings me closer to this goal.  Because years from now I don't want to look back and think would of, could of, should of.  This is the best time of my entire life (so far) and I don't want to have any regrets.  Loosing myself, would be a huge regret.

so let me introduce myself.

my name is mckenzie hardy graham

i love my family more than anything.

i am suppose to wear glasses.

but i can't stand them.

i dislike my brown eyes.

i hate my freckles.

i love sweatpants.

i love dressing up.

when I'm thin.

i hate my body.

but i'm trying to figure this out.

i love hamburgers, homemade, greasy take out, you name it, I love it.

i love a good book.

but haven't read one since genevieve was born.

i hate mean girls.

i'm a blog-aholic.

i love to write.

i could never go sky diving.

oreos and milk are my weakness

i wish we lived in new york.

or hawaii.

or kentucky, on a ranch, with horses.

i graduated from westminster with a bachelor's in developmental psychology.

i will always regret my degree.

i want to be a nurse, a midwife, more than anything.

but don't have the confidence in myself to go for it.

i love psych classes

and hate math.

my thesis paper was sixty something pages long.

i swam at WX and cheered at Cheerz.

i love to sew.

but i'm not very good.

i love staying home.

i hate fair weather friends.

i hate boogers.

my husband is 6'8, hansom

the only boy taller than me i ever dated.

we make cute kids.

i want four or five of them.

i really wish i had a sister

but i'm blessed with wonderful people in my life.

i crave alone time.

i have the best job ever staying home with my babies.

i love fashion.

but i'm too uncomfortable with myself to wear anything but mens white tshirts.

i love scarves.

i hate muffin top.

i love pinterest.

i love to travel.

i love planning parties.

i'm really good at organizing.

in fact i get paid to do it.

i hate messes.

i love pictures.

i wish i was a better photographer of my children.

i hate store mirrors.

i hate getting ready in the morning.

in fact i rarely do it.

i love the gospel.

i love my neighborhood.

i love going to church.

i hate getting ready to go.

i dislike fighting with kids during sacrament.

i have major body issues and i hate that.

i love the country.

i love the beach.

i love the mountains

i love big cities.

i hate driving.

i love summer, fall, and spring.

i hate winter.

i love birthdays and holidays.

i really miss feeling good about myself.

i love laughing,

like really hard

and loud.

i like to be weird

but find i am less and less the older i get.

my brothers are my weirder halves.

my mom is my best friend.

but she doesn't have a lot of time.

i love gardening.

i love the piano.

but never play it anymore.

i'm the epitome of low self-esteem.

i don't want to pass this on to my daughter.

i love blue eyes.

because the favorite men in my life have them.

i want to do immunizations in africa.

i want to hike the himalayas.

i want my children to know i did the best i could.

i want my children to be happy.