Saturday, September 17, 2011

identity crisis.

I'm very certain that being a mother is the all time best thing to be....

As a mother everything is intensified tenfold. You feel happier than your happiest child and sadder than your saddest. You feel the pride of their accomplishments a hundred times more than they do and your heart aches a hundred times more than theirs does. There really is only one word to describe being a mother... AMAZING.

I found however, that with each of my babies there is a few weeks to months of adjustment after their birth. A shift in the universe. Some of the changes that occur are wonderful and some are difficult. I'm not one who is big on change and so I uncomfortably tread the waters as my family and I try to adjust. I ask on a daily basis "who am I?"  where did "mckenzie" go?  Besides motherhood, what makes me, "me"?  What makes joe and I "us"? It is easy to loose sight of these things when you are elbow deep in diapers. 

So, I sit here thinking about the wonderful changes that Genevieve and Finley have brought into my life and although some I am much more fond of then others (baby smiles vs. stretch marks) I know that each of my babies are worth it and I would gain a hundred pounds, have stretch marks from head to toe and be as boring as dirt if that is what it took to bring them into this world.  With that said, I am going to try and embrace the sacrifices I have made and remember who I am along the way. 

Today is the first day I begin on my journey to reclaim "me".  Remember who I am, what I like, what makes me happy and for a few moments each day indulge in something that brings me closer to this goal.  Because years from now I don't want to look back and think would of, could of, should of.  This is the best time of my entire life (so far) and I don't want to have any regrets.  Loosing myself, would be a huge regret.

so let me introduce myself.
my name is mckenzie hardy graham
i love my family more than anything.
i am suppose to wear glasses.
but i can't stand them.
i dislike my brown eyes.
i hate my freckles.
i love sweatpants.
i love dressing up.
when I'm thin.
i hate my body.
but i'm trying to figure this out.
i love hamburgers, homemade, greasy take out, you name it, I love it.
i love a good book.
but haven't read one since genevieve was born.
i hate mean girls.
i'm a blog-aholic.
i love to write.
i could never go sky diving.
oreos and milk are my weakness
i wish we lived in new york.
or hawaii.
or kentucky, on a ranch, with horses.
i graduated from westminster with a bachelor's in developmental psychology.
i will always regret my degree.
i want to be a nurse, a midwife, more than anything.
but don't have the confidence in myself to go for it.
i love psych classes
and hate math.
my thesis paper was sixty something pages long.
i swam at WX and cheered at Cheerz.
i love to sew.
but i'm not very good.
i love staying home.
i hate fair weather friends.
i hate boogers.
my husband is 6'8, hansom
the only boy taller than me i ever dated.
we make cute kids.
i want four or five of them.
i really wish i had a sister
but i'm blessed with wonderful people in my life.
i crave alone time.
i have the best job ever staying home with my babies.
i love fashion.
but i'm too uncomfortable with myself to wear anything but mens white tshirts.
i love scarves.
i hate muffin top.
i love pinterest.
i love to travel.
i love planning parties.
i'm really good at organizing.
in fact i get paid to do it.
i hate messes.
i love pictures.
i wish i was a better photographer of my children.
i hate store mirrors.
i hate getting ready in the morning.
in fact i rarely do it.
i love the gospel.
i love my neighborhood.
i love going to church.
i hate getting ready to go.
i dislike fighting with kids during sacrament.
i have major body issues and i hate that.
i love the country.
i love the beach.
i love the mountains
i love big cities.
i hate driving.
i love summer, fall, and spring.
i hate winter.
i love birthdays and holidays.
i really miss feeling good about myself.
i love laughing,
like really hard
and loud.
i like to be weird
but find i am less and less the older i get.
my brothers are my weirder halves.
my mom is my best friend.
but she doesn't have a lot of time.
i love gardening.
i love the piano.
but never play it anymore.
i'm the epitome of low self-esteem.
i don't want to pass this on to my daughter.
i love blue eyes.
because the favorite men in my life have them.
i want to do immunizations in africa.
i want to hike the himalayas.
i want my children to know i did the best i could.
i want my children to be happy.


Joni and Rico Adams said...

I love this list. It's good to remind ourselves what we're grateful for and remember who we are and where we came from. You're doing awesome. Keep chuggin mama!

Madison said...

You think you're the epitome of low self-esteem? That makes me want to cry. You should be so happy with yourself because you are flipping AWESOME!! It's more than just you with body issues - in fact I'd venture to say almost every girl who starts out nice and thin (you were really extra long and skinny as a teenager) then has a baby and doesn't go right back to that skinny little self she once was has some issues with it. It's hard, but you are so beautiful and I wish you could love yourself and think you're super hot because you ARE. I'm so lucky to have a friend like you :)

Liz and Don Wortley said...

Such a good idea to take some time each day to reclaim you! I want to do the same now. Loved reading your list and I agree with Madison. You are SO BEAUTIFUL, both inside and out. Which is what makes you so amazing! Can't wait to hear more about how your reclaim "you".

Toni said...

You are awesome. We have a lot in common, and a lot of differences.. probably why we get a long so great. You are great, and you've gotten this far.. you can get past anything. Although you miiiiiight wanna think about the breast feeding thing with babies three four and five :) Sorry the movie didn't pan out yesterday, that was a bummer.

Joe and Raylene said...

I love the post. So insightful. I think it is wonderful that you are reclaiming yourself! I have always been so inspired by you. You are you. No pretend, just Kenzie. You are beautiful and amazing! And you have made me want to make a list for myself. Thanks friend! :)

Poelmans said...

Love your openness and loved that boob post.

Mike and Alexis said...

Ok, I've been wanting to read this post for 2 weeks. It's taken me that long to get to it, and another 3 hours to comment. But better later than never :). So I love it. I love reading your blog because you so often voice my feelings. And I have a few things to say about your comments.

First, I admire your determination to be a mother, and to be the best mother you can be. Your children are very lucky. I'm not sure if I would gain 100 pounds or take stretch marks from head to toe for my kids. I just don't know.

Second, I love your freckles. I think you are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. You hair is to die for and your face just glows. I can't believe you say you're the epitome of low self-esteem. You gotta realize what you got.

Third, I hate boogers too! Hate them. Like more than throw-up, hate them.

I also hate fair-weather friends. Or more specifically, disloyal "friends".

And lastly, I think you should believe in yourself enough to follow your dreams and become a nurse. You've become a mom, and if you can do that, you can do anything.

P.S. On an unrelated note, those women you mentioned who look like they have it more together than you, it's an illusion. Everyone struggles, how much they show it is up to them. You seem to be doing so well, especially considering the tough hand your family has been dealt, (mastitis, colds, ER visits, etc, etc, etc). Your ability to endure is inspiring.