I'm dreaming of blue.

I have to be honest

seeing a little penis on the ultra sound wasn't my best moment.

I was so sure "he" was a "she"

I was hit with a sense of loss .

Let me try to explain...

I realized then that

I probably won't be completely wrapped up in his life

the way a daughter usually allows her mother.

He probably won't give me every detail of his first kiss

his first date

his first dance

his first love

I probably won't be there for the birth of his children

(I just might be that annoying "mother in law")

he probably won't particularly care that I saved his hospital hat

or documented his every moment the way a daughter would.

When I saw his little boy parts on the screen

the first thing that popped into my head

is a saying my mom always uses:

"a daughter is a daughter for life,

a son is a son until he takes a wife"

some part of that really rings true.

Most men (not all) are not as attached to their families, their mothers as a woman.

I thought about all the things I would be excluded from...

But what was more heart breaking was the fact 

I didn't give Genevieve the one thing in the world I want most...

a sister.

I had to put away the idea of me pulling out Genevieve's

pink onsies, soft sweet shoes, bows and bracelets.

The idea of two little girls holding hands,

sharing dollies,

wearing spring dresses,

late night giggling drifting down from their room

curls and frills

and began creating new dreams for this new little person.

Although, a boy is such a very big change

I am adjusting

and with each passing day I get more excited.

I try to imagine the details of his little face

the color of his hair

I think of the days when he will be standing

only in his underwear and a cape trying to save the world

days when he promises to marry me when he grows up

bug collections

match box cars

tool belts

little boy kisses

dirty feet

sweaty hair

bow ties

cowboys and indians

guns and swords

These days I'm dreaming of blue.

I can't wait.