strength, courage, fortitude

2 weeks ago Genevieve came down with a small fever and was pretty cranky.  I assumed she was teething.  Only a few hours later she was running a 105 temperature and continued to throughout the night, nothing I did would bring it down.  I have to admit I was such a cliche frazzled mom.  The first and only thought that kept racing through my mind was the first scene from City of Angels, that I saw maybe 10 years ago, where the little girl runs a 103 temperature and the mother puts her in an ice bath but she eventually dies.  Um... hello that scene can scare a mother to death.  note to self must not watch any shows that portray any death of a child.

The doctor saw her immediately the following day.  Took a urine sample (which was so unpleasant) and it turned out she had a UTI and kidney infection.  Antibiotics and another week of misery for the both of us and she was back to her happy self.  However, with any child who gets a UTI they require you to get an ultrasound of their kidneys and an x-ray of their bladder, ureters and kidneys.  I had no idea what was in store for us when I made her appointment at Primarys but I brought Grammie along just in case.

The first test was rather easy and consisted of an ultrasound of her kidneys.  Genevieve enjoyed her time in the ultrasound room while she played with amazing light up toys.  However, things got a little more complicated when they couldn't get a good picture of her kidneys and I had to hold her small head and body down against the bed as she tried to wiggle and squirm free.  Finally, she relaxed under the weight of my hands and looked at Grammie as tears streamed down her face and she stretched out her tiny little dimpled hand.  Grammie took it and stroked the back of her clenched fist as we sung popcorn popping on the apricot tree.  

ah all done.  I released her and she sprung up just as happy as before and eager to play with her new found toy.  As the doctor looked over the ultrasound and evaluated her kidneys he discussed with the nurse the abnormalities between the left and right kidneys.  I never looked at my mom, I didn't have to, I could feel the shift in the room as we both sat there listening to them discuss the results amongst themselves.  My heart sank and a quiet buzz resonated through my head.  I couldn't believe that my perfect little girl, with a gaped tooth smile and a healthy busy body would actually in fact not be completely perfect and healthy after all.  

The doctor looked at our faces and realized he had scared both of us.  As he tried to back pedal he eventually explained that this just might be an abnormality that is unique to her and may be completely benign.  I think the blood rushed back into my cheeks.

A cute blonde haired girl took us into the x-ray room and explained the following procedure.  I knew it would entail a catheter which I wasn't looking forward to but when she announced that they would have to tie her legs together and hold her down I could have lost it right there.  As we entered the room the flouresent lights and medical equipment caught my breath.  I gently sat her down on the hard surface of the x-ray machine and peeled off her dress. The green and purple one that I thoughtfully picked out so she would look especially cute for her small outing.

Trying to get a 10 month old to hold still is like trying to hold water in your hands... its almost impossible.  Everything that makes her her I had to stifle as my mom and I held her small hands above her head and the two nurses held her feet down.  Genevieve's small little naked body was stretched out and her belly rose and fell with each sob.  Big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks as she arched her head back to look me in the eye.  As the nurses proceeded to fill her bladder with dye I laid my head down on the table so that we were forehead to forehead, eye to eye.  I kissed her eyelids, cheeks and nose and whispered that it was all going to be alright, even though I wasn't quite sure it was.  The large x-ray machine covered her entire body from her eyes down.  The underside of the machine was peppered with stickers... Dora the Explorer, Sleeping Beauty and Cars clung onto the thick plastic.  Genevieve slowly reached up with one finger pointed and began to touch each one of them and pick at the loose edges.  

My heart sank when I glanced underneath the hood and saw the nurse pouring cold water all over bottom coaxing her to pee.  I glanced at the screen and saw a small white skeleton painted before me... a string of pearls for her spine and a heart for her hips and amongst it all a large black circle, her very full bladder, that consumed most of her lower body.  Her toes curled as she tried to hold onto every drop.  She cried and moaned in discomfort.  I finally asked for a diaper and some snuggle time.  They carefully released her legs and gently put a diaper around her catheter and gave her to me.  Genevieve was soaked with water and salty tears streaked her face.  I held her close to my chest that was hard and scratchy from the led vest and she melted into my arms.  Success.  And repeat.  

When Dr. So and So entered the room my mom and I were quite shaken up needless to say.  He didn't introduce himself, he didn't acknowledge us, I didn't know what to do or say.  Eventually he proceeded to show us the small x-ray of Genevieve's bladder filled to the brim with dye her ureter and kidney.  He then explained that the only thing in this picture that should have been visible was her bladder.  The buzz deep in my head returned.  My mom quickly took Genevieve so I was free to as questions but I was a blank.  I couldn't think of anything, my head was humming.  The doctor left the room and I just stood there, full of emotion but completely empty at the same time.  I wasn't aware that both feelings could co-exist.  As we left we were given a quick warning by the nurse that we most likely would be there again.  My hands tingled.

As the three of us walked to the car my mom and I tried to piece the puzzle together in between deep sighs and a few tears.  Genevieve has urinary reflux, its pretty common.  Genevieve's urinary reflux is pretty severe, which isn't very common. Most kids grow out of this and usually its best to wait to take any drastic measures unless the kidneys are being affected. Genevieve's kidney is being negatively affected.  Genevieve needs to see a specialist immediately.  

When I finally slipped the key into the ignition I wanted to scream "sanctuary, sanctuary".  Nothing felt better than to strap Genevieve into her car seat and listen to her suck on her binkie and babble from the back seat.  I was so sad that this was her trial to bare but so relieved and happy that I was able to take home my perfect little gapped tooth girl.