Grateful.

I was spending my weekend feeling sorry for myself and moping around. 
my husband doesn't pick up after himself... he doesn't respect me.
anyone could parent genevieve... she doesn't care who is changes her bum.
the only thing that defines me is picking up, changing diapers, cleaning toilets, doing laundry etc. etc.
I don't remember the last time Joe and I went on a date
my husband doesn't watch the baby often enough and always expects me to do the hard work.
i'm not good enough
we're not good enough
i'm lonely
i'm not skinny enough, smart enough, patient enough, determined enough, outgoing enough, thoughtful enough
i feel guilty for the things i don't have time to do and i feel guilty when i want a few minutes to relax
The last few days a rain cloud has been my constant companion. I was pesimistic, irritable and most importantly ungrateful.
tonight...
i came upon the story of this family.
The Jacksonfamily
here a darling mother and father face the normal challenges of raising a little girl, juggling work, bills, family, a marriage and all the other stresses and  happinesses that come with raising a family.  However, on the way home from church their only child, Lucy, choked on a very tiny piece of apple and died just before her second birthday.
I poured over the entries made before and after Lucy's final days and I realized just how quick everything I hold near and dear to me could be gone and as a mother I hung on every word that this dear woman wrote.  I could relate to each experience, memory, heartache and happiness.
As tears streamed down my face and I reflected back on my negative thoughts I realized how much I love the way my little baby smells after a bath as her warm wet body cuddles up against my chest and she smiles in the mirror.  For those brief moments after her baths I love looking into the mirror at our relfections and I always end up staring at her bright smile with her two bottom teeth jutting out as she hams it up for the mirror. My little "hamsandwhich".
I sometimes have days where I go about life pesimistic and I forget how much I love leaning my head onto Joe's chest and smelling a soft hint of the cologne he put on after his shower that morning.  I forget that its not about how many dinner dishes are in the sink but that we were able to sit down and have dinner together.  I forget that my greatest stewardship is motherhood and that it is my devine right and blessing as a wife, mother and woman to create a home where the spirit is felt. A place where my children and husband want to return to. It is my responsibility to raise a confident happy child and teach her about her Heavenly Father who loves her.  I forget sometimes that I am my husbands partner, best friend, lover and as such it is my responsibily to work with him, not against him, to be patient with his faults and supportive of his dreams.  I need to remember to admire his positive attributes and recognize the effort he puts in day in and day out.  As a woman I am the peace keeper, the home maker and it is my devine responsibilty to keep this familiy together.  I am here to love my children, my husband and myself.  I have been reminded to never take a single thing for granted and remember that as quickly as my blessings have come are as quickly as they can be taken away. 

As a woman I know I will never completely escape those days when I feel unappreciated, disrespected, unloved but on those days I hope I can remember to say a small prayer, remember my blessings, make an effort to be patient with myself, my husband and my children and most importantly carry on with my head held high, my heart full and my faith strong.