Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Suck It! The REAL Way To Prep For Breastfeeding

I couldn't help it, I had to post this.  Those who have nursed a baby or two or three etc. etc. can SO relate.  Those who haven't, I apologize.

The REAL Way to Prepare for Breastfeeding.
Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.
Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4 
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.
Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11
Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.


Kristi said...

I found this the other day on pinterest and thought it was sooo hilarious! And so painfully true. :) but it is so worth it once you get past all that. How is nutrition g going for you now?

Liz and Don Wortley said...

Oh my gosh ... this is SO TRUE and this makes me have HORRIBLE flashbacks. (SHUDDER) Makes me sick thinking about it. Breastfeeding was horrible for me, and is the one thing that makes me never want to have kids again! haha! How sad is that? Anyway ... guess it's too late because I'm due with #2 in July! YIKES ... guess we'll hope and pray that this time around it's easier.

Madison said...

That was hysterical and so painfully true! Yikes. Makes me nervous to start this all over again in a few days.

A said...

ALSO made me giggle!

Jessica Bruce said...

I'm 8 months pregnant with my first, I can't wait!! sounds really fun!

Alexis Poelman said...

Yes, thank you. I especially appreciated Day 6's advice.