overwhelmed

did you notice that the title of our blog changed from "three and a half peas in a pod" to "memoirs of a twenty~something, freckle faced girl"?  First of all how many peas can be in a pod?  I thought with this new addition we might have a very full pod.  Second this blog has really quickly become my memoirs.  The definition of a memoir is: A historical account or biography written from personal knowledge.  I think that the word memoir describes this blog accurately.  I write from my heart, about my life, my husband, and mostly my children.  This blog has been printed into a book and will continue to be a way for me to document our little family's history.  I imagine someday my cute Genevieve rocking her newborn babe, sun streaming through the window as she reads the words I wrote the first few weeks of her life. 

next did you notice the title of this post? "Overwhelmed" it is the theme of my life right now.  First of all I believe you can be completely grateful for your life and all the blessings within it and at the same time be completely overwhelmed with EVERYTHING.  I firmly believe both feelings can coexist. With that said I am overwhelmed.  I am so thankful that I have a body that can conceive and carry a child but I'm miserable. Sometimes during the day I sit down and think to myself, I'm not really sure I can go on one more day.  I am overwhelmed being pregnant and I'm overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby. To be honest I'm scared.  I'm very unsure of myself and doubt my abilites as a mother and the abilities of my body to heal quickly to allow me to take care of both children.  At times the weight of world feels as if it is resting on my shoulders.  It is hard to watch my body break down and struggle to make this little baby.  With each new stretch mark comes new tears, each morning waking up from a restless nights sleep to a sick and cranky toddler, trying to walk/ move with pain in my pubic bone and back, an ear infection, yeast infection (tmi), a cold, struggling with dizzy spells and fainting and full blown morning sickness has just becomes overwhelming. I told Joe if I have to feel miserable I would like to feel miseable in a clean house.  However, I'm starting to hurt too much to keep up with all the house work and Genevieve.  So, I have to be miserable in a messy house which makes me feel even more overwhelmed and frustrated. 

I'm feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed because I know how blessed I am and I know that most women are going through much more.  I feel guilty because I should be a better mother, wife, neighbor, friend etc. etc. I feel guilty because I feel overwhelmed. But unfortunately, I am just overwhelmed by everything and feel more alone then ever.  Its funny how being a mother can make me feel more secluded and lonely than any other time in my life.  hormonal? most likely.

Remember that post I did about "keeping it real"?  Well, here I am just keeping it real. 
Tomorrow will be a better day with a lot of tylenol and little girl snuggles.