One year ago today my sweet Fin was born. I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it feels like a life time ago. read about his birth here: summer solstice, the birth of finley james.
Happy Birthday my son. I love you more with each passing day.
Weaning... something I have been debating since my first case of mastitis. even saying the word brings up many mixed emotions.feelings of excitement, anticipation, relief but also those of loss. Now that you and I are nearing the finish I can't help but feel so melancholy that this part in our journey together is over. This small sacred little part in our lives is coming to a close and although I know with one chapter closing another one opens, I also know in just mere months the sweet and small little moments we share together now will be a mere memory and replaced with new and different moments.
Sometimes I wish I had a shelf. A shelf tall and wide filled to the brim with jars, each holding a memory or feeling I so desperately long to hold onto. Even now it's hard to remember the exact feeling of the weight of your tiny body against my chest, or your small new born cry. It's funny how time seems to slowly erase the past, leaving you with only a faded memory if you're lucky to remember at all. I've said this many times before, I hope when I return to heaven all my memories will be fully restored, minus the unhappy ones. There I'll bask in the catalog of hugs, kisses, smiles and smells that made up my life. the memory of holding my soft slippery newborn babes will be as if it happened just moments ago. so until that day I will continue to write and preserve these moments, however small or monumental I wish to be able to look back and remember you once sported one small snaggle tooth or giggled when I tickled the spot right underneath your chin.
Yes, this time together is coming to a close and although it breaks my mama heart it just means we are about to enter a different stage in our lives. not good or bad just different.
If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.
When I was a young spring chicken I use to sit on the cute boy next door's bed and study while he sat at his computer, did homework and sang, mostly country and mostly george strait's "baby blue" . His deep voice penetrating the silence of the room. Now, I can't help thinking of this song and simpler times every time I look into these baby blues.